When children are coming to terms with being separate entities from their parents, it can trigger some challenging behaviour.
I have a friend with a two year old who has suddenly started acting up; biting and kicking at his nursery and refusing to go to bed, when previously there had been no problem in this area. It’s no accident, I think, that these behavioural problems started when my friend took a part-time job, which means that three days a week she is out of the house. She makes sure she is home for bedtime, but it’s still a level of absence that her child is unused to.
Children - especially the younger ones - truly believe that the world revolves around them. It’s not a fault, it’s just how it is, but this means that they can think that bad things, or things that they don’t like, happen because of them. In addition, they have an acute sensitivity to separation and can experience high levels of anxiety about what is happening somewhere where they aren’t.
So, my friend’s little boy is coping with a complex set of emotions. He is realising that he is an individual; he is having to cope with his mother being away from him more than he would choose; he is, perhaps, blaming himself for the fact that she isn’t there and feeling stressed because he doesn’t know what’s going on with her while she's gone.
It’s a lot for a two year old to take in, and without the maturity to process and explain these feelings, he’s doing what kids do; offering up behaviours that show his feelings and instinctively acting out.
My friend is now taking time to explain the true nature of the situation. Even though her son is very young, if she does this often and repeatedly, he will begin to take in the information and hopefully start to calm down. In the same way, he is hearing over and over again that it’s okay to be angry or frustrated, but it’s not okay to bite and kick people. She is also asking him why he is behaving this way. He may not be able to answer her, but it prompts his thought processes and shows him that she acknowledges that something is wrong and cares about his feelings.
She is unable to take him to work, but she has made a map to show him where exactly she is, and this seems to assuage his anxiety somewhat.
So, the next time you have that burning, boiling sensation of FOMO, just be grateful that you are an adult who can rationally cope with it, rather than a toddler who is trying to deal with purely the raw emotion and distress.
To Turn Back Time
Have you ever had the thought cross your mind, “I wonder when it’s all going to go back to normal?” I found these very words floating through my consciousness unbidden the other day. Given the current state of affairs, I think it’s an excusable fantasy.
Because it is a fantasy, there never was any ‘normal’ for things to go back to, even if time reversal was a thing. (Time reversal is not a thing!)
Trust Your Instincts
Now this might seem a bit rich from someone who writes a blog every month about communication with children and young people, but in this column I’d like to touch on having faith in your own judgement, rather than stressing out about what you read is the correct way to do things.
It can be difficult for us grown-ups to understand how differently time is perceived by a toddler, a child, or even a teenager.
Let’s face it, the last eighteen months have been pretty stressful for almost everyone in one way or another, but how adept are we at recognising the signs of stress in our children and young people?